Allison's Declassified Wanna-be-Texan Survival Guide

If there is one thing that is harder than a Texan living in Canada, it's for a Canadian living in Texas. I would conjure up studies and statistics of the Canadians that choose to live in the deathly heat of the American south, but unfortunately there are none. Either the Canadians have spontaneously combusted, evaporated, fallen into a pit of lava while going for a walk or got stuck in a cactus and never got to be properly interviewed because they couldn't un-stuck their hand to answer the phone calls and thus were stuck there. Forever.

As you well know or have been sleeping under rocks/giant tortoises, I lived in Canada for 8 months; and as a Texan, I nearly died had I not created my own Survival Guide! It was only 2 and a half months ago that I moved back to my home state of Texas, and it seems my Canadian skin I grew in the north is forced to peel away underneath this cruel, Mordor-birthed sun.

So, this helpful list I made is for all those Canadians thinking of moving to Texas one day, or perhaps to visit to escape your cold, soul-eating, Frost-Giant winters. Heed my words, Canadians. What I have learned may save your very life.



As stated in my last survival guide, the first rule also applies in Texas: When going for a walk, don't go for a walk. The chances of falling into a sudden lava pit on your neighborhood sidewalk is a likely 93%.

Again, when going for hopefully not a walk, sometimes the more clothes you wear, the less the Mordor-birthed sun will be able to scorch your skin right off like a banana peel. So forget the short-shorts idea. Nobody likes to see your cheeks hangin out anyway.

If you ever decide to hopefully not go outside, never, ever walk barefoot. Soft grass doesn't exist here. Nor does cold cement. That's only in the fairy tales.

If you somehow ignore my advice above and go for a walk barefoot anyway, you'll end up getting a sticker (thistle) straight up your foot, invading your skin walls and injecting a temporary poisonous itch right where it stabbed you. When this happens, quickly pull it out and slap a band-aid on that sucker like you just had the best dang chicken tenders, and wait an hour or two for the itch to leave.

Also, when hopefully not outside, be aware of all the other poisonous things sitting, crawling and flying about, such as tarantulas, rattlesnakes, vampire rabbits and bugs you wished you never saw. If you happen to come across these things, the best thing you can do is enjoy yourself with them while you're still alive for a couple more minutes. Maybe have a tea-party. Play some football with the rattlesnake. Maybe a friendly game of Texas Hold 'Em with the tarantula.

Don't ever touch a cactus. Just...don't.

Driving in Texas may be easier than driving in Canada in the winter, but there are some things you must be aware of. When it's too hot outside (which is all the time), the tar on the roads will begin to melt. When the tar melts, it'll cling to your car like a koala. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be driving around with koala's attached to my rims.

Also when driving, be sure to dodge the dead animals on the road. Usually there's one or two fine platters of roadkill for every couple miles. These platters consist of: coyote, jackrabbits, local dogs and cats who thought they could beat the system, skunks and maybe a vampire raccoon.

When it gets hazy-brown outside in the distance...run. Run as far away as you can. Bunker down the fort. Strap down the dogs outside and hide in the basement. It's a sandstorm, and those sick puppies don't give way to nobody.

Every Texan man with a truck most likely owns a gun. It's common sense, folks. Don't make them angry.

Everything really is bigger in Texas. This includes several things you would consider normal size, but are in reality much larger in Texas: burgers, weiner dogs, pigskins, cupcakes, weeds, spiders, the sun, and everything else.

Lastly, and most importantly, if you ever want to survive, heed these words: Don't ever, ever...mess with Texas.



And that's all the advice I have for you Wanna-be-Texan Canadians. After reading all of this, I hope you feel discouraged and horrified by the thought of moving to Texas. If you don't feel discouraged and horrified, you may actually have the guts to live here. If you ever plan to do such a dumb thing, be reassured...Allison's Declassified Wanna-be-Texan Survival Guide will always be right here for you. Always.