Allison's Declassified Canadian-Texan Survival Guide

In recent studies, psychiatrists, theologists and even astrologists state that the average percent of Texans who move to Canada for bible school attendance in Manitoba, Canada are a good 2% out of the 100 theoretical people involved in the arising matter.

This blog is for all those 2% out there, the Canadian-Texans in deep wintery oppression and suffering minor and major emotional trauma and casualties of the temperature. I will list for you, O grieving souls, advice that which I have learned living in the Land of the Frost Giants for 4 cruel, wintering months. Heed these words, Texans. What I have learned may save your very life.


I will start by saying, if you don't like to be cold...don't move to Canada.

If you like to be cold, move to Canada and enjoy how cold it is. And then when the Canadians start saying that it's getting cold...leave.

Be sure to wear bright limegreen snowpants like jeans so that people won't mistake you for a normal Canadian. You wouldn't want to be face-washed for being a normal Canadian, would you?

When a Canadian asks if you want a face-wash, say no, and then run away.

If you can't run away, close your eyes and just embrace the snow shoved in your face, and laugh it all off while your lips slowly fall off like withered, purple leaves.

When driving on ice, do not accelerate like a crazy ape, nor stop like a crazy ape.

If you find yourself skidding on ice as you are pulling in to a turn, for the love of the Lord of the Rings don't turn your wheels, less you become one with Middle-Earth.

If you are skidding anyway and can't stop for the love of the Lord of the Rings, don't slam your brakes. It'll lock up your tires and then you are DOOMed. To prevent DOOM, calmly high-five the brakes with your foot continuously like you just had the best dang chicken tenders, so that your wheels won't lock but you'll still be slowing down.

Always be sure to wake up 10 to 15 minutes early to start your Texan car. It doesn't know how to get the ice off the windshield on it's own yet, and you don't want to be late to school.

Also, if you find that your windshield wipers are frozen onto your windshield, next time just simply prop them up before you go inside for the night. They won't get frozen. True story.

The temperature will always be cold. Always. But after -4'F, you won't care anymore. Everything is just a big heaping pile of cold. But then you add windshield and then it starts to feel like -41'F and 'C, and then you notice your very existence seems to blow away into the aimless depths of the Land of the Frost Giants.

When going for a walk, don't go for a walk.

When going for hopefully not a walk, wrap 17 scarves around your face.

Never wear tennis shoes in the snow. Never.

Light coals in your shoes so your toes never freeze, or wear extra pairs of socks if you're not an extremist like me.

One jacket won't cut it.

Always wear tights underneath your jeans. I don't care if you're a Cowboy or a Cowgirl. Wear some tights.

Hats not only will make you 23% cooler, it will also keep snow from attaching itself to your hair like a koala.

If you find your boots or gloves wet from the snow, simply put them over a warm vent for a little bit. Be sure to take them off before they spontaneously combust.

Lastly, build a bonfire in your livingroom.


...And that's all the advice I have for you 2% Canadian-Texans out there. I hope this list helps you overcome your tragic trauma and casualties, and lifts you up to a better place of warmth and sunlight. If you begin to struggle, you can be reassured...Allison's Declassified Canadian-Texan Survival Guide will always be right here for you. Always.