There is nothing more horrifying than picking up your shampoo bottle during a shower and discovering a spider clinging to the wall with perhaps a sheer terror that the Great Allison found him out. If I were a spider, I would quake in fear as well having my hide-out destroyed in a matter of seconds by me. Well I think we can agree that the spider and I were both equally surprised.
But it's come to my attention since last night's duel-to-the-death that...I am the Spider Slayer. It's as if I am the only soul in the family burdened to slay the foul beasts within our home. I keep our territory safe. If it wasn't for me, our floors would be crawling with these eight-legged freaks of nature.
So I am here to bestow advice upon the weak, who have not the talent I possess in slaying spiders. Hear my words, O' weakling! For they might very well save your life one day.
Slaying spiders not only requires the focus of one's mind, but also the knowledge as to which weapon one must equip in any sort of terrain a sudden battle might break out. Here are your weapon options when suddenly coming face to face with a Bathroom Spider:
The Shampoo Bottle - the most common choice of weapon. Also great for hair.
The Towel - whip that demon back into Hades.
The Plunger - one of the most versatile weapons. Easy to slay spiders hiding behind the toilet fortress.
The Soap Dispenser - an easily breakable weapon, but used out of desperation. Can get the job done but continue with extreme caution.
When coming face to face with a common House Spider, the following weapons may be used as directed:
The Giant's Shoe - you know that one sibling who's feet are twice as large as yours? Go find that shoe. And use it. Use it with all your might, for this weapon is the mightiest weapon of all. It will never break, it will never betray your aim, it will never spare a spider's meager life. The Giant's Shoe is the Ultimate Weapon.
The Flip Flop - though a flip flop is not as large and mighty as the Giant's Shoe, it is as fast as lightning and gets the job done before you can even release a battle cry.
The Book of Never-Letting-Go - this weapon can only be found in households carrying bookcases. Though a book might be a bit difficult to wield, once it hits it's target at full force, it never has to hit it again.
These are some of the most common weapons a beginner spider slayer must learn to equip. Once the spider has fallen in battle and no longer can recoil itself from the corners of death and despair, now is the time to dispose of it's body.
Rip out a giant's handful of kleenax/tissue, paper towels or most commonly a roll of toilet paper and grasp the black scribble left before you. A giant's handful will prevent you from even feeling that it is betwixt your fingers!
Next, cast it into the chasm for whence it came. Toss it into the fiery depths of Mordor. Dispose the demon into the toilet of Hades and flush it's sins out of your righteous sight. Then at last, you have successfully defeated your adversary.
And that, my friends, is how to slay a spider properly. Perhaps one day you will be as great of a spider slayer as myself *chuckles*...but until then, I wish you a fine life!
A fine, fine life, indeed. One without spiders hiding behind your shampoo bottles.
