Hi, my name is Allison. I'm 20 years old and am part Texan (originally) and part Canadian (legally). You could say I'm a rare hybrid species, cursed with the fluctuating skin of a Frost Giant and Dust Devil. I am in constant conflict of self identity. Who am I? Even though I came from Texas, was I supposed to come from Canada? Should I be riding horses to work or polar bears? These questions are that which I cannot answer for.
What I can answer for is this: Why don't Canadians live in Texas? I've found that only I, being the freak hybrid TexaCanadian I am, can answer this. You see, I travel to Canada often. Very often. And I've come up with a short list of why the Frost Giants stay away from this beautiful, gun-abounding state-that-should-be-a-country. Let us assume that the following reasons all derive from the fact that it is so flipping hot in Texas.
1. Ventilation.
Look. The first thing you want to do after work when you get into your car is to turn the A/C on maximum overdrive, right? WRONG. Do not do this. Time and time again, I've learned this cruel and unfortunate outcome: your A/C unit does not contain ice. It contains the dust of the earth, accumulated from 8 hours of nesting in the Texan dust storms. And it will pummel into your eyes at a thousand miles (or 1,609.34 kilometers) an hour until your sensitive retinas see only the Saharan Desert.
2. Driving.
The Texan motto is Friendship. Literally, that's what Texas means. Did you know that? (Thanks, Google.) But the Sun is not friendly to us ever so this brings us to the second reason why Canadians don't want to live in Texas: it is so blistering hot that our roads melt. Guys. Our tar melts. It gets stuck to your tires and it takes half a century of car washes to get that junk off. Tarmac starts melting at like 100'F (40'C for you special people out there). As we Texans like to say: That ain't right.
3. Allergies.
Sure, everyone has allergies to something. But what about the sun?! That's right. I thought this to be only a myth until yesterday when my boss came back from working outside in the mid-afternoon heat. She had rashes all over her neck and arms and called them "heat rashes". HEAT RASHES. Apparently, if you sweat too much, your skin pores become blocked and leak into skin tissue which makes your skin really red, bumpy and itchy. Not even a Texan wants to live in Texas after hearing something like that.
I think Canadians only need these three reasons to permanently decide to never ever ever live here. Which is a good decision. And I'm sure I haven't helped myself out much with my identity crisis. Because now I've horrified my Canadian self and need to quickly pack my bags and fly North for the summers. But my Texan self scoffs at the weakness of the opposing side and boasts of its thick skin and tough stuff.
But in the end, it's a fine life.
Even though I might need therapy now.
