Why Gum Should Be Thrown into a Fiery Chasm

If I had a penny for every time someone's asked me if I wanted a piece of gum, I'd be on the TV show Hoarders because I'd have too many pennies to know what to do with (and would probably have some sort of psychological problem with copper).

The answer would simply be...[refer to picture above].

I'm not sure where my sudden passions to rebuke gum originated, but it must have first begun many a'year ago. For you see...

I was but a wee little lassy in the 7th grade. I wore glasses and had long hair that touched my mid-back or so, and I was the best writer in my Language Arts class. My teacher would swoon over my stories in front of all the other kids, read them out loud and the students would laugh. Give me an essay to write about laundry, and I'd write a story about venturing into the deep depths of a world filled with dirty clothes my brothers never cleaned up. So I suppose...I became a target by the envious. A target for gum.

One day, as I walked out of my LA class, I had a hankering to brush my fingers through my hair. Therein my fingers came across the most vile, disgusting, repulsive and absolutely grotesque texture all the universe could ever contain. Gum. Chewed gum. In my precious hair.

The ground opened up and all hell broke loose. The sky started falling. The sun turned black. The flowers started to cry.

My LA teacher sent me to the nurse's office, and I sat there with malice and horror as she pulled on a pair of nylon gloves. This is it, I thought. I'm going to meet Jesus early.

Clearly not, because apparently peanut butter works magical wonders. I had to walk around the entire rest of the school day smelling like an awkward sandwich, but at least the gum was out of my hair. That vile demon.

Since that day, I've grown to detest gum. I cower in the sight of it's brainy textures when people leave it on the cement. I almost enrage into the Hulk when I see people play with it. Play with it. Of all the toys Santa's ever made, people choose gum?! Where has humanity's common sense gone?

And, who was this supervillain who created such an atrocious not-even-edible chewy thingy?

Dear friends. I warn you, keep gum out of the question. Make better ones like, Do you want a piece of cupcake? or Do you want a piece of Thor? Those answers would obviously be yes. But gum...

That answer is no. Cast it back into the fiery chasm from whence it came.

And there you have it. My little story about why I hate gum. It was told to perhaps give you a little laugh or two. If not that, then it was to ward off the evil gum-doers out there waiting to ensnare me in their anger because I am such a fabulous writer!

*Allison pulls out a sword made by mints* BACK, YE EVIL GUM-DOERS.

I am the Blue Lion

Lately I've come to realize how much I love superheroes. I watch the Marvel movies all the time; Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, all of them...If you're talking about a superhero, odds are I was probably born for that conversation.

So one day, as I was chatting away with a cousin of mine, it dawned on me. What if I...were a superhero? ...What would I look like? What would be my superpowers? What would make me so special, and how did I become that way?

So this is where you, my fellow and beloved reader, come in. You're [most likely] going to delight in the story I'm going to [on-the-spot] conjure from my overly-active imagination of how I--Allison Charmaine--became a superhero. Sit back and enjoy, for what I am about to write--not even I know thus far...
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One day, there was a girl named Allison who took a bus to Isengard--a far away land where no mere traveler travels for fun. She was a witty and creative little lass, you see. She loved to dream about dragons and giant eagles and whatever massive creature came to her head. So she learned that in this far away land of Isengard--if you climbed a tall, black tower all the way to the top and looked to the farthest snowy mountain in the north, and squinted your eyes really, really tight--you could see perhaps a dragon or an eagle flying about. When she heard of this (the strange man with the one wrinkly eye vanished after he taught all this to her), she was of course excited. She had to go see!

So Allison wondered through the cosmos of Seminolenheim, searching for the bus to Isengard. She stumbled upon it when a small man with hairy feet shouted something about hobbits in a hair parlor somewhere, and the bus appeared in magical fairy dust before her. Seeing this, Allison burned the rubber of her shoes clean off tearing straight into those bus doors (to this day, some say you can still smell the smoke of her soles in front of that very same hair parlor).

As quickly as the bus appeared, it vanished. And as the bus spiraled into a vortex like that of a rainbow road, she suddenly sat at the foot of the black tower of Isengard. The bus was gone, and there was no small, hairy-footed man to be seen.

So Allison climbed to the top of the tower--up, Up, UP the stairs she WENT...until she was finally atop. Hundreds and thousands of feet high, she could see the snowy, white peaks of the mountains far north. Her heart pounded in her chest with excitement as she squinted her eyes to see these magical creatures of myth and legend.

But she could not see anything.

She squinted harder.

Nope, she thought simply. I'll just scoot closer to the edge.

And with that...

SHE WAS FALLING TO HER DOOM, RIGHT OFF THE TOWER. EVERYTHING WAS FLYING BY SO FAST, IT WAS AS IF THE UNIVERSE BECAME A BLUR OF GIANT CAPS LOCK LETTERS. THIS IS GOING TO BE IT, SHE THOUGHT VERY LOUDLY. I'M GOING TO DIE BEFORE EVER RIDING A DRAGON.

But when she opened her eyes...the blur of caps lock letters were nowhere to be screamed. And beneath her, a giant eagle carried her. She gasped, and shoved her face in it's feathers. I've always wanted to shove my face in feathers, she smiled with extreme fulfillment.

The eagle landed her on the very tip of a small mountain and spoke to her.

"I have saved you," the eagle said.

"Yes. Yes you have." Allison responded, thinking not even twice of the fact she was talking to a giant eagle.

"In return, you are going to save others!" The eagle belted mightily, spreading it's wings dozens of feet around her. "ABRA-CADABRA!"

POOF.

Allison woke up that next morning. The sun was beaming in her eyes. The dirt smelt like dirt. I'm back in Seminolenheim...? When she flopped out of her bed and looked in the mirror, her hair was blue. Just kidding; it was still brown--but she was wearing a lot of armor with a blue cape! This made her raise a brow. But as quickly as the one brow was raised, so was the other!

"Oh my gosh!" She squealed. "I'M A SUPERHERO."

She ran into her brother Tarantitus' room and woke him from his slumber.

"Brother! I am a superhero!!"

Tarantitus looked at her armor with weary eyes and let out a sigh. "They took you to Isengard, didn't they?"

"Who?"

"The hobbits."

"The what?"

Tarantitus sighed again. "Nevermind. What are you going to call yourself?"

Allison stood there frozen for a long time. Superheroes have different names, don't they? She looked at her armor. Her cape was as blue as the sky, and a roaring lion was imprinted on her breastplate. A sapphire sword hung at her side, and her shoes looked awesome. Oh! I know!

"How about Captain Cana--"

"No," Tarantitus said. "Blue Lion."

Allison grinned from ear to ear (well hopefully not actually ear to ear), and let out a mighty ROAR. Tarantitus stared wide-eyed in terror. Then simply got up to go to the bathroom, for he was that much startled at the roar.

"I'm sorry, brother," She apologized. "Little do I know what I am capable of yet so far." With that, Allison began to test her new capabilities (but away from Tarantitus). She learned she could roar like that of a lion, and break solid objects with it. She could also walk through things, if she thought hard enough (this took many tries and many bruises). And, after many failed attempts, she learned she couldn't fly--but she could jump hundreds of feet in the air like an astronaut on the moon!

And so it was that Allison discovered she was the Blue Lion. But...she had yet to save anyone...

[To be Continued...]

And also she quickly applied to join the Avengers.

The End.
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