Allison's Declassified Canadian-Texan Survival Guide

In recent studies, psychiatrists, theologists and even astrologists state that the average percent of Texans who move to Canada for bible school attendance in Manitoba, Canada are a good 2% out of the 100 theoretical people involved in the arising matter.

This blog is for all those 2% out there, the Canadian-Texans in deep wintery oppression and suffering minor and major emotional trauma and casualties of the temperature. I will list for you, O grieving souls, advice that which I have learned living in the Land of the Frost Giants for 4 cruel, wintering months. Heed these words, Texans. What I have learned may save your very life.


I will start by saying, if you don't like to be cold...don't move to Canada.

If you like to be cold, move to Canada and enjoy how cold it is. And then when the Canadians start saying that it's getting cold...leave.

Be sure to wear bright limegreen snowpants like jeans so that people won't mistake you for a normal Canadian. You wouldn't want to be face-washed for being a normal Canadian, would you?

When a Canadian asks if you want a face-wash, say no, and then run away.

If you can't run away, close your eyes and just embrace the snow shoved in your face, and laugh it all off while your lips slowly fall off like withered, purple leaves.

When driving on ice, do not accelerate like a crazy ape, nor stop like a crazy ape.

If you find yourself skidding on ice as you are pulling in to a turn, for the love of the Lord of the Rings don't turn your wheels, less you become one with Middle-Earth.

If you are skidding anyway and can't stop for the love of the Lord of the Rings, don't slam your brakes. It'll lock up your tires and then you are DOOMed. To prevent DOOM, calmly high-five the brakes with your foot continuously like you just had the best dang chicken tenders, so that your wheels won't lock but you'll still be slowing down.

Always be sure to wake up 10 to 15 minutes early to start your Texan car. It doesn't know how to get the ice off the windshield on it's own yet, and you don't want to be late to school.

Also, if you find that your windshield wipers are frozen onto your windshield, next time just simply prop them up before you go inside for the night. They won't get frozen. True story.

The temperature will always be cold. Always. But after -4'F, you won't care anymore. Everything is just a big heaping pile of cold. But then you add windshield and then it starts to feel like -41'F and 'C, and then you notice your very existence seems to blow away into the aimless depths of the Land of the Frost Giants.

When going for a walk, don't go for a walk.

When going for hopefully not a walk, wrap 17 scarves around your face.

Never wear tennis shoes in the snow. Never.

Light coals in your shoes so your toes never freeze, or wear extra pairs of socks if you're not an extremist like me.

One jacket won't cut it.

Always wear tights underneath your jeans. I don't care if you're a Cowboy or a Cowgirl. Wear some tights.

Hats not only will make you 23% cooler, it will also keep snow from attaching itself to your hair like a koala.

If you find your boots or gloves wet from the snow, simply put them over a warm vent for a little bit. Be sure to take them off before they spontaneously combust.

Lastly, build a bonfire in your livingroom.


...And that's all the advice I have for you 2% Canadian-Texans out there. I hope this list helps you overcome your tragic trauma and casualties, and lifts you up to a better place of warmth and sunlight. If you begin to struggle, you can be reassured...Allison's Declassified Canadian-Texan Survival Guide will always be right here for you. Always.

If You're Not Laughing, Who Is Laughing Now?

Because really, someone is always going to be laughing. So if you're not laughing, then who is laughing now? I hope my friends don't mind me using this picture on my blog (Haha, sorry, Stephanie and Maggie! It's so perfect!), because they really gave me the most laughter I've ever had when I visited them for Thanksgiving in November.

Since moving to Canada, it's been hard to stay in contact with those I always talked to in Texas, just because the daily routines are so different out here that things tend to be forgotten. Stephanie and Maggie are the closest friends I've ever known in my entire life. They've built me up, gave me more joy than I could have ever asked for in high school, understood me in everything I ever had to vent about, and would hang out with me all the time even if there was absolutely nothing to do. "Being bored together is more fun than being bored alone," is what we'd always say, staring absently into my floor carpet in my room on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
And even as closely knit-together as we were, all three of us seem to have a hard time keeping in touch. Which is only the inevitable, right? At some point, friends are going to separate from the one place they've always been together, and go on their own individual journeys. But that doesn't mean friendship is separated just because of distance and lack of communication--at least, it'd take a lot more than this for us three to call it quits!

So when I was in Texas for Thanksgiving, I had a little over a week to catch up and make the most of them. I have to say, it was a very warm welcome seeing Maggie and Stephanie again. It was as if I never left our tiny Texas town. So as I was being re-introduced to the Texan ways, I decided to re-introduce them to the Canadian ways, and took them to a college hockey game not too far away from home, just like I used to.

It just so happened that as the three of us walked into the arena, a guy was handing out free hockey jerseys to the first hundred-or-so people who walked in, and we happened to take 3 of the last 5 jerseys left! And they were matching!

Though the team I was rooting for epicly failed 2 to 9, I still drove us home with a huge grin on my face, finally being with the two people that could make me overwhelmingly happy without even knowing it, and also, we all looked the same in those jerseys! Which does something to a girl. Makes them feel closer and cuter somehow (haha!).We laughed almost every minute we had together until I was gone.

We said our goodbyes so simply. There was nothing more than a short hug and an easy, "See you later!" or something when we all knew I wasn't going to be coming back for a long time. But that's how we roll. No stretching things out. No stress. No worries. No tears. Just takin' it easy and letting whatever happens, happens, knowing we'll still be tight in the end.

So I just had to share something that's really made my life a fine one, and Maggie and Stephanie have really done it for me--along with plenty of other people! It's just sometimes, some people deserve specific praise for their invisible blessings. Is there anyone in your life that deserves some praise for bringing joy and blessings into you? Sometimes, they just need a little bit of it.

Anyway, the moral of the story is...Friends are the fine, fine life indeed.