Foreign Language

"Can I get anything for you to drink?" Asked the waitress.

"Uh...yeah! I'll take a--" I stared at my menu. Aha! "I'll take tea, please!"

"Iced tea or tea?"

...What.

What's with this "iced" tea. Is it tea with ice? Then what is regular "tea"? What does it have that the other doesn't? Is it made from powder? Which one is brewed?

You see, in Texas, all I would have had to say was the magic word: Tea. And then I'd get tea. The normal, brewed, cold tea. With ice and maybe a lemon wedged on the side. Sweet or unsweet, you choose.

But no. Not in Canada. It's complicated to order tea here, I'm telling you. They've got all this fancy stuff like "Earl Grey" or "Chai Tea" or "Honey Lemon Cinnamon Earl Chai Grey White Blue Green Tea". And then on top of that, you can add sugar or milk or cream or honey...By golly, I want my normal tea! I don't need this complicated puzzle of tea options made for the rocket scientists. Just: sweet or unsweet. That's all but a humble Texan needs to be asked.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I can introduce that there are a few things that I've learned about Canada since moving here that are very different than Texas, or southern America in general. Some of you may be aware of some of these things, and others would be shocked to learn. Oh trust me, if anyone's going to see the differences, it's going to be me. I come from both sides of the map. So here's a [generalized] list of [general] differences I've [generally] discovered the passed 7 and a half months living in the [general] land of the Frost Giants.

Other than the insane tea problem between southerns and northerns, Canadians have a tendency to call bathrooms washrooms. Now you can be reassured, my fellow Texans, that I have not fallen into the frowned-upon habit of calling any bathroom a washroom.

If the definition of winter means snowfall and temperatures lower than 32'F (0'C), winter in Texas lasts maybe 6 days. Winter in Canada lasts 6 months. For a better perspective--half a year. This simple difference makes 1,000 miles of our distance turn into what may look like 4.9 million miles. We understand nothing of each other after this fact. But I'll just keep going, for laughs.

Canadians have different accents than the average American accent. Let's practice what the word "About" sounds like between both nationalities. Canadian: What's that all aboot, eh? ... American: What the heck was that all abOWt?! I'm gunna nuke that grin right off your face, punk!

I've also learned that, when driving, Canadians never pass people unless in dyer emergencies. I may be over-exaggerating, but I do have a quote from a fellow Canadian: "It's generous to let other people pass you." Well. If this just doesn't say enough about their attitude, I don't know what does. But Americans pass people like nobody's business. Like they get paid to pass. Like it's the only thing they've got left--passing people at high velocities and ludicrous speeds. Americans don't give a darned hoot about being "generous" on the road! Pish posh!

And, to follow through with that, Canadians and Americans have entirely different attitudes! Now of course there will be the odd ball or two in the bunch, and I don't mean to rudely categorize, but if I were to speak of these two nationalities in general (which I am), then I must point out that Canadians are passive-aggressive, and Americans are...well...aggressive. Canadians say, "Thank you" and "Please" and "Excuse me", whereas the general American would simply...not.

But contrary to popular generalization, Americans haven't seen how horrifying Canadians can be at a cash register at Tim Hortons--their beloved coffee shop. It seems that while walking through the doors from the snowy world outside into the coffee aroma of Tim Hortons, Canadians transform into what one might believe to be an American. "I want a white hot chocolate with a chai tea bag inside it, double cupped, 2 sugar, 1 cream, 1/3 milk and 3.14 inches of whipped cream on top. I want the tea bag thrown out after sitting for 1 minute and 47 seconds and don't you make that any more or less. And I want this done in 5 seconds. If you don't, I will nuke the name tag right off your shirt. Go."


As you can see, the [general] differences I have listed about [general] Canadians and [general] southern Americans clearly mean one thing. That we are of entirely different species. Our accents are different. Our eating habits are different. Our responses to society are different. Even our skin is different. One can withstand burning temperatures up to 127'F (53'C) like Frodo in Mount Doom. The other can withstand freezing temperatures below -49'F (-45'C) like the Frost Giants of Jotunheim, neighbors of the great Thor of Asgard.

Therefore we must tread carefully between our neighboring countries, my fellow Americans and Canadians. We speak a foreign language to one another. We must come to terms with this fact. But you need not worry! I, as a humble Canadian-Texan, am willing to lay down my life to help those of you who need interpretations of the other kind, all but for one thing.

The right tea, please.