If I had a penny for every time someone's asked me if I wanted a piece of gum, I'd be on the TV show Hoarders because I'd have too many pennies to know what to do with (and would probably have some sort of psychological problem with copper).
The answer would simply be...[refer to picture above].
I'm not sure where my sudden passions to rebuke gum originated, but it must have first begun many a'year ago. For you see...
I was but a wee little lassy in the 7th grade. I wore glasses and had long hair that touched my mid-back or so, and I was the best writer in my Language Arts class. My teacher would swoon over my stories in front of all the other kids, read them out loud and the students would laugh. Give me an essay to write about laundry, and I'd write a story about venturing into the deep depths of a world filled with dirty clothes my brothers never cleaned up. So I suppose...I became a target by the envious. A target for gum.
One day, as I walked out of my LA class, I had a hankering to brush my fingers through my hair. Therein my fingers came across the most vile, disgusting, repulsive and absolutely grotesque texture all the universe could ever contain. Gum. Chewed gum. In my precious hair.
The ground opened up and all hell broke loose. The sky started falling. The sun turned black. The flowers started to cry.
My LA teacher sent me to the nurse's office, and I sat there with malice and horror as she pulled on a pair of nylon gloves. This is it, I thought. I'm going to meet Jesus early.
Clearly not, because apparently peanut butter works magical wonders. I had to walk around the entire rest of the school day smelling like an awkward sandwich, but at least the gum was out of my hair. That vile demon.
Since that day, I've grown to detest gum. I cower in the sight of it's brainy textures when people leave it on the cement. I almost enrage into the Hulk when I see people play with it. Play with it. Of all the toys Santa's ever made, people choose gum?! Where has humanity's common sense gone?
And, who was this supervillain who created such an atrocious not-even-edible chewy thingy?
Dear friends. I warn you, keep gum out of the question. Make better ones like, Do you want a piece of cupcake? or Do you want a piece of Thor? Those answers would obviously be yes. But gum...
That answer is no. Cast it back into the fiery chasm from whence it came.
And there you have it. My little story about why I hate gum. It was told to perhaps give you a little laugh or two. If not that, then it was to ward off the evil gum-doers out there waiting to ensnare me in their anger because I am such a fabulous writer!
*Allison pulls out a sword made by mints* BACK, YE EVIL GUM-DOERS.
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