The Road to El Canadado

Not many people get to experience what it’s like driving across America, which is sad because I think everyone should get out and just travel in their own country to get to know it better; know where you come from! So I’ll just get straight to the point and describe the experience for you—that is, if you drove across it with just you and your twin brother.

First of all, let’s talk about the requirements for traveling 1,000 miles North into Canada with your twin brother: food. Lots and lots of food. And not just normal food—nobody wants to eat normal food sitting in a car for 25 hours. No, you want junk food. This consists of  2 packs of Sunny D, 1 pack of Hawaiian Punch, a huge box of Oatmeal Cream Pies, 3 boxes of family-sized Cheez-Its, fudge-covered Graham crackers, strawberry Pop Tarts, a bag of Cheetos, and definitely don’t forget the Swiss Rolls.

After acquiring a good amount of calorie-infested delights, prepare your vehicle with every sort of electronic device you may possess.  Laptops, headphones, auxiliary cords, handheld videogame devices, chargers…and then you’re ready to go—essentially.

Now the trip to El Canadado ain’t easy. There’s  5 states to cross, not to mention Texas is larger to get out of than any of them. Oklahoma’s roads are as rough as Chuck Norris opening a walnut with his fists and Kansas is so boring it’ll probably make you fall asleep as you drive. So make sure you get your twin brother to do silly things with you to avoid said sleeping, such as screaming when passing cars on a small road with on-coming traffic, spontaneously leaping from your car to climb around a random train beside the road, and creepily exchanging crooked glances at the passengers you pass by on the interstates.

After God smiles upon you leaving Kansas, brace yourselves for turtle-state Nebraska where snails drive faster than you will, because their speed limits are exactly as slow as I’m making them sound like. But after Nebraska then it should be smooth sailing through South and North Dakota where everything suddenly turns green and lush—so just picture it like Texas but the exact opposite. And then you can actually play “I Spy With My Little Eye…” with your twin brother without always saying “something yellow”.

25 hours and 20,000 calories since your start, you’ll finally end up in Canada where it will always be cold or infested with mosquitoes out to suck the American burgers straight out of your veins. The drive is definitely worth it, eh?

So go on, my fellow reader! Grab a twin (or your doppelganger) and drive across your country! And don't you dare forget about the Cheez-Its.